Living With Grief- The Loss Of A Parent

I never thought I would ever sit here and write a post like this or at least not for many years. It has been a while since I posted anything. I had started this blog to document my kids' lives, milestones and family life as a way to look back and remember those important moments, time flies!

I am writing this in hopes that it will help someone deal with grief or just to know that you are not alone in going through it. I know I found relief in knowing that I'm not the only one going through it because when you lose someone you love, I know I felt as if I were the only one in the world dealing with it and going through it. 

My dad passed away in December of 2022. We were not expecting it at all and I think that has been the hardest part in all of this. 

A little background- my dad left in 2011 back to Jordan, where he was born. He came back to the US to visit us once after seven months and we did not see him again for years. He then came back to the US again to look for work. He lived a few hours away from us and was admitted to the hospital a couple of times for blockages in his stomach but was always discharged and he was okay. We would see him more often and talk to him. He met our boys and things were going alright. It seemed that at some point we could find a way to be back in each other's lives and I was excited to have him be part of our kids' lives as he had not been there before. He's the only grandfather they had. Jack's step dad passed away shortly after I met Jack and his biological dad is not part of his life. Having a grandpa in our boys' lives was quintessential to me and I was willing to put everything behind us and let my dad be part of that.

More background on that here.

There was a lot of heartache and anger on my side, but seeing my dad always made me happy and I was able to put all those feelings aside. Of course I would have wanted to talk about this with him at some point in our lives.

He was here in the US for a couple of years and went back to Jordan to visit my aunt who has cancer. He left and I would ask him how she was doing and he always asked me how Jack and the kids were. We talked often. 

Not long after, I got a message from my uncle telling me my dad was in the hospital. He kept us informed on everything happening, but he took a turn for the worst and did not make it out of the hospital. He died, he said.

I was in shock. It seemed unreal. He had always made it out of the hospital, why was this time different? He was strong, he had always been healthy until a few years ago but regardless, he was strong to me. 

I actually was the one he spent the least time with these past few years. He lived with my sister for a couple of weeks and with my brother for a while. He was closer to them than I was with him. They helped him out so much during this time.

People say you can never understand grief until you go through it and that could not be more true. I have had friends that have had their dads or moms pass away and though I would think how hard that must have been for them, I never knew the true meaning of losing a parent. It's the hardest thing I have ever gone through by far. 

Grief hits everyone differently. That is also very true. I have days when not a second goes by where I cannot stop thinking about his death, our childhood, the good moments, the bad ones. I'll be driving and have a complete grief attack where I cry uncontrollably. Other days I am okay and feel happy then I feel guilty for feeling happy. Other days I cry and cry. 

I have dealt with anger thinking that if he wouldn't have left, doctors would have surely saved him here. Other days I think the choices he made put him in that situation. Some days I am so angry at myself for not talking to him more, for not forgiving him sooner, for not helping him more, not being there for him as I think I should have been, for not telling him thank you and I love you more. My kids not spending more time with him. Grief is a bitch. 

I think a lot about all those years that went by without him, no communication, nothing. All the things we could have done together if he had not left. One thing I always wanted to learn more from him is gardening. He grew vegetables and fruits and everything he planted, thrived. I wanted to learn more. He could have helped us get our first home, buy my first car, meet our boys when they were born, been part of their lives. Grief is an asshole. 

That last one hits the hardest. I had him for almost 27 years. My kids had him for less than a few visits. He was a great dad, he gave us a great childhood and part of our adulthood. He was a good advice giver. I remember when Jack and I were looking for our first apartment. We sat down with him and listened to everything he told us about getting a place to live. He was truly the best dad we could have ever asked for. 

I read somewhere that in the beginning, grief is larger than us and consumes our lives for a while, then as we continue living, we grow and grief gets smaller, it never goes away but one day it becomes part of our lives. We live with it. We learn to live with it. 

I am definitely nowhere near that yet. It's only been a few months since my dad passed and I am only in the beginning of it. 

I wanted to write this to say that if you are dealing with the loss of a parent, you are not alone. As insane as it sounds, I have found relief in knowing I have friends who have gone through the same thing. Life is a trip. 

I am definitely no expert, but one thing I have learned in my short experience with grief is that you have to let yourself feel all the emotions and go through the stages. I don't know which stage I am at but when I cry, I let myself. The kids ask me what is wrong and I don't hide it, I tell them I miss my dad and I am sad that he died. They comfort me. Jack has been incredible in being there for me. He met my dad, he knew how great he was. He went through the anger phase with me when my dad left, he was there with me when he came back into our lives, he has been there for me during this incredibly hard time.

I also have my brother and sister (both the best siblings in the world :)) and as the oldest, I need to be there for them when they need me. Of course my mom (the best one in the world :)) who spent almost 30 years of her life with him. She is an amazing mom and was so kind to him always, after everything she went through with him when he left. 

Don't be afraid to grieve, it is a part of life and in order to continue living, we have to let ourselves feel. We will get through this.