I know, who am I to be talking about marriage, I've only been married almost five years but I truly believe in quality vs. quantity. This is not a post about advice, it's a post about what I've learned through our five years of marriage, the things Jack and I have changed and compromised on to make our marriage better and hell, the things we have been through to get to where we are.
These past few days I have witnessed a few couples arguing while driving. One of them I had no idea what they were saying, it was the car behind us and Jack told me about it. I glanced through the rear view mirror and sure enough, I could see the lady talking and flailing her arms in the air. Another one was at work, I was outside of my office and a mini van drove by with a couple, windows down. I just heard her yelling at her husband. Roll the window up at least lady!
This one is a little long so brace yourself!
When you have a baby and your life is turned upside down because your schedule is now nonexistent and everything you were used to is gone, the most important person you have to turn to is your husband or partner. He has to be your rock, your balance, your everything to find some sort of normal after a baby. Then, you fight about who has to wake up in the middle of the night, who is more tired, who loves him more (kidding), who will change the poopy diaper (in our case, you play paper, rock, scissors), etc.
Sleep deprivation & exhaustion are two of the words that become part of your everyday vocabulary and you get so used to them that you don't even think about the days when eight straight hours of sleep were the norm. Kids are the greatest blessing on this earth but the first few months/years are tough! I'm sure you all agree. Unless you have a baby that sleeps and behaves great (lucky!) then you can relate to this.
Then of course there's the playtime, the outings with your child, the times they're little clowns and make you laugh, cry because they reached a milestone and you can't beat the cuddles. The world is okay again and you and your husband are on the same page again.
Toddlerhood came along and it's been a whole new ball game for our marriage. This is where we have learned to compromise the most. Sometimes we would take sides! We learned not to do that. Jack and I have to be in agreement before we make a decision that we think is best for Elliot. He's throwing a tantrum because he wants a cookie, I desperately want to give to him so that he stops, Jack tells me we can't do that otherwise we are letting him get away with it and he hasn't had dinner, he's right, I refuse the cookie and even though it takes Elliot a thousand hours to stop asking for the damn cookie, eventually he stops and I give him grapes instead. A healthier option and Jack and I were on the same page. This goes for anything. Of course we fail at this miserably sometimes but everything is a work in progress.
There are a few things that, in my almost five years of marriage, I have learned never to do to my husband. Respect to me is the number one priority even when your almost two and a half year old is throwing a tantrum the size of Texas, which are fewer and fewer now thank God. I've witnessed some pretty embarrassing moments about other couples when they argue in front of people and I can tell you it creates such an awkward environment for everyone and I've always told Jack that I will never do that to him. No matter how upset I am with him. Even before Elliot came along.
A couple of things I've learned in my relationship with Jack:
1- Never argue in front of people or family. It's NEVER a good situation, for anyone. If it's something that needs to be addressed immediately, take your hubby to the side or tell them you need to discuss it later. Nobody wants to see or hear how much you dislike him at that moment, what you think of him in terms of expletives, what he's doing wrong, etc. You get the idea. I've been witness to this and it's so awkward, you don't know what to say or what to do. It's not the same after that and the image you create for yourself is not cool. You don't look cool for bad mouthing your husband to me or him directly in front of others. I never do it. Nothing good comes out of it. Remember respect! (Social media included!)
2- Never, ever, ever, ever embarrass him in public or in private for that matter. This sort of goes along with number #1. There's times when I've been talking to someone and they tell me (while their husband is standing there) how ridiculous they are about something, or how what they did was wrong, or laugh at them when they make a mistake. Horrible, never do this.
3- Never send out your husband in an outfit you wouldn't pick out for him. This is kind of funny but not really. I've seen so many cases of this. There was a guy at work that always showed up with a really wrinkled work shirt and all that made me think was, I wonder where the hell his wife is? How could she let him walk out like that? I get off my ass and iron for Jack, or he irons for himself, but he never walks out with a wrinkled shirt. Also, if he's buying the wrong clothes, do something about it. Lead him in the right direction or just pick out his clothes for him. Jack lets me pick out his clothes and I buy him things that I know are his style and I know he would wear. Just because he loves Goofy, I'm not going to go out and buy him thirty Goofy shirts. Know what I mean? I've always believed that the way our husbands dress/look are a direct reflection of us as wives.
4- Tell each other that you love each other every single day, show it and mean it.
Jack and I used to argue about the most ridiculous freaking things ever. Even before we got married. We are two very strong minded and stubborn people, I'm right, no I'm right! Rinse, repeat. The argument ended in him or I leaving, since we could do that, we were dating and lived in separate houses. We threatened to end the relationship too which wasn't good. One time we broke up for a good four days and they were gruesome! Ha! When you're married things change drastically. Just because you can, doesn't mean you leave or threaten to leave. We learned this too. We have a commitment to each other and shit some days both of us want to throw in the towel but we have learned that just by going to another room to cool off then coming back to talk about it works for us. Because aren't most arguments pretty petty anyways? But hey, if it's not meant to work, it won't work, I get it.
The biggest lesson learned has been to let it go. If it is something we have disagreed on the eight years we have been together, it's never going to go anywhere. We drop it immediately and leave it be. We don't argue about things we know are not worth it. We just don't. If we do, we learn to agree to disagree, and trust me, we disagree on many things. But we live with it. And we are okay with it.
Like I said, I'm not the marriage guru, I'm not a marriage adviser either. I may get the eye roll, the judgment or the "who does she think she is?" but I've learned so much in these five years of marriage and I wanted to share that. By no means am I saying that my marriage is perfect. I make mistakes all the time. If it were, we wouldn't be of this world, but I am committed to my relationship with my husband and I'm committed to being the best wife I can be for him!
Both of us agree that we have learned so much from this and it's made us better people not just with each other but with others as well, we have grown so much. It's also made us better parents, because if you have a strong and healthy marriage, kids see that! The part about our marriage I love the most is that I can completely be myself around him (as embarrassing as I am sometimes). I joke, I dance ridiculously around him and I laugh with him until we cry and our love for each other isn't nor will it ever be any less. :)
Have a great weekend!
