Post-Partum Blues

I'll begin by saying that I didn't bond with my baby the way most mothers do. I didn't feel the instant bond that I felt with Elliot. Maybe it's because this birth was so different. Maybe the fact that Elliot was in the NICU for a week, helped me by giving me the time to adjust, to recover a bit, to think about being a new mom to this tiny thing I had no idea what to do with, or maybe with Elliot I just didn't know what to expect and that helped in a way. With Oliver it was not a blur, I was very much present in his birth. What I mean by this is that I was able to see Oliver right away, to hold him, to hear him cry, to watch him sleep, to change his diapers, to change his clothes, to keep him in my hospital room and you would think that this would actually help me bond but it seems like it did the contrary. I didn't have any time to adjust, to sleep, to recover. If you read this and think, you're crazy, you're probably right. I felt pretty crazy myself. Maybe I was exhausted and in a daze. This c-section was so difficult to recover from, but the hardest part was that I just was not used to this, it was all new to me. I felt like a first time mom all over again and I had no choice, but what mother does right?

We came home, baby in tow, and I thought that it would get better. It had to. I was in the comfort of my home, I had everything I needed, I had everything my baby needed. I was prepared this time, but it wasn't enough.

I felt blue. I felt the darkest shade of blue there is. I didn't know why. I hated feeling that way. I hated the feeling of feeling that way and not being able to change it, if that makes sense. If you know me, you know that I am a happy person. A positive person. This time, I couldn't be any of those. I asked myself why I felt this way. I tried so hard to put on a happy face. I would think, I am blessed to have this beautiful little family of mine, the support of all my family, two beautiful and healthy kids and the most supportive husband, why can't I change the way I feel?

Every morning Jack would ask me what was wrong. My answer was nothing. I would literally sit on the couch with a newborn in my arms staring at the ceiling every morning. A few days, probably a couple of weeks went by until one morning he asked me and I told him the truth. I didn't feel like myself at all. It was as if I was living in someone else's body. I felt sad, mad, then sad again and I had zero control over my feelings. I tried so hard to look at my baby and not feel this way. I thought maybe it had been my pregnancy since I had such a miserable one, but how can that be blamed? I got tired of feeling that way and I looked it up. There it was crystal clear. I read that it is pretty normal for the first few weeks and felt so much better to know that I wasn't alone in it. Other women felt that way too. I read that it's completely normal for some women to not bond with their babies right away, to feel blue. I have Jack to thank for helping me get through it, without his help and support I don't know what I would have done. We talked about my feelings everyday and he was able to tell when I was feeling sad and would tell me to go take a hot shower, go take a nap, go visit my mom, hang out with my sister, whatever he thought helped. I love him for that. I did things that took me to happy places. I also am crazy about Oliver, I love that baby as much as I love Elliot and I am enjoying him so much. I am cherishing every stage of his life and his delicious chunkiness. I couldn't be more in love with my baby. I know that I never did not love him, it was just me feeling blue.

Three months later I am typing this because I was embarrased to admit it before. I am writing it now and sharing it with you because if it helps and makes another mother feel better then it will be worth it. If you feel this way after birth, don't hide it. Let your partner know, a family member, someone. Do things that normally make you happy. You'll get over it, I promise! :)

Thank you for reading!

Oliver's Birth

I think that going into this pregnancy, I knew that this baby would be early. In talks about my condition with my doctor, and the fact that Elliot was a week early, I was mentally prepared to not go full term, or at least to 39 weeks since I had a c-section scheduled.

I was at work on September 28, and it felt like a normal day to me. I had my usual Wednesday meeting then went back to my office, but I did have a couple of contractions and chalked them up to Braxton Hicks, as I had been having them for the past couple of weeks, but not often at all. Maybe one or two a day. In my last doctor's appointment before that day, the doctor had told me that I could get up to nine contractions a day and that they were still normal, as long as the time between them wasn't short.

That Wednesday, I kept getting contractions and worked through them, but something in me told me that I needed to start timing them. I got my phone out and noted down the times between them. First they were ten to thirteen minutes apart, then shorter times about five to eight minutes apart. I texted Jack and my sister about this and my sister quickly told me that I needed to call my doctor and that she would pick me up. I told her I would call my doctor but that I needed to pick Jack up from his work since we carpooled to work. Thank God he works five minutes away from me.

I called my doctor and his assistant told me I needed to head to the hospital right away. What! For what! I was still a little hesitant to go and in disbelief, but I listened anyway instead of waiting until I was in active labor as I did with Elliot. Still kicking myself about that.

I texted Jack at first and told him I needed to head to the hospital and his response were three of those wide-eyed emojis. That was exactly how I felt about that too. Ha! I headed to his work, picked him up and still debated on going home to get my hospital bag. I was totally prepared with that this time and wanted to take it with me! We decided against it and just headed for the hospital instead.

Once we got there, the nurses took me into triage and we waited in the room for a couple of hours while me and the baby were being monitored. Good thing I had eaten a light snack a couple of hours before because I was already starving and I knew that if I were to be admitted, I wouldn't be able to eat for another hundred hours, it felt that way at least. I was then checked for dilation and to my surprise I was a one, but I knew that didn't necessarily mean that the baby was coming that day, but since I was scheduled for a c-section two weeks away, the doctor wouldn't really let me go into labor. I honestly didn't want to go into labor that day. I was hooked to an IV and waited a couple more hours, but the contractions were closer and becoming more and more painful. The nurses changed shifts and a new nurse came in and asked, "Have they told you?" Have they told me what? "You're having a baby today!" Yes, it was the day! A little while after, not long at all, I was two centimeters and that's when it hit me that yes, we would be having a baby that day, two weeks before my scheduled c-section.

My mom was there as soon as she heard that I was going to the hospital and I was so glad that her and Jack were there to be with me. My doctor then came in and told me to be ready because this was the day! Five thirty is when I would be moved to the OR and prepped. Holy eff, I started getting a little nervous. Our entire lives would change again in a matter of hours!

Jack was given the gown to change into to go in with me and I was wheeled to the operating room. This time everything was so different than with Elliot's birth. Everything moved at a slower pace. Everyone seemed to be so relaxed. With Elliot's labor, I was in so much pain that everything was a blur. I don't remember a lot. Everyone was rushing. This time I remember every single thing. How cold the room was, how bright the lights were, me being so nervous about another c-section, another recovery, a painful one. The anesthesiologist explaining exactly what he would be doing to give me a spinal tap, the prick of the needle on my back and how it felt exactly as he described it would. The feeling of my legs going numb right away. I don't remember any of that with Elliot's birth.

Once my legs were numb, the doctor came in and started prepping my belly, I still had some feeling around my belly area, and they tilted my bed backwards towards my head to allow the anesthetic to travel towards my belly. Weirdest feeling ever. Once I was all prepped, Jack was brought in and we started talking about this being it. I felt the same pressure as the last time, but I didn't feel any pain at all. I was so anxious to meet this little baby! In no time, I heard the suction bulb and then a cry. He's here! It took a minute for Oliver to be cleaned and wrapped up before he was given to Jack. Jack took him over to me and I started crying. Tears of joy because our baby was healthy, because I was able to have him so close to me, because of the immense love I felt for this little person I had just met, but had been carrying and caring for this entire nine months. The doctor peeked over the little tent they put up and said congratulations. I was able to muster up a weak "Thank you". Then the craziest thing happened, the doctor told Jack to walk over to where he could see my incision and all my insides and showed him my uterus. He told us that it was way worse than he thought as it is completely split in half and the middle wall was really thick. I didn't know if that was good or bad at that point but he left it at that, stitched me up and I was transferred to recovery then to my room.

At about two in the morning, Oliver was brought to us, thanks nurses, and I won't bore you with all of the fun we had that night. If you have been through this, you know what I'm talking about. I'll leave it at zero sleep, lots of pain, crying baby, party time-not.

The next morning, my doctor came to check on me and that's when he sat down and broke down the news. He said we had been so fortunate to be able to have two healthy babies. My condition, as I said, was way worse than he thought and he didn't know how I had been able to carry two babies to full term. He also advised me to not have any more kids, it's too risky he said, which broke my heart because I think about a third one. Also, as I said in this post, we leave it in the hands of God if we ever decide to have a third baby. To me, He allowed us to have two beautiful, healthy babies, how do we know we won't be able to have a third? If that time every comes, it's something that of course we will discuss with my doctor, but ultimately, the decision would be up to us.

We came home that Friday and became a family of four. We are adjusting to a completely new routine because two kids is a whole new ball game. Elliot is over the moon with his baby brother and already wants to teach him everything he does, all of his favorite toys' names, and he hugs him, kisses him and tells him and us that he loves his baby brother so much every single day. Our hearts couldn't be more full! Life is good. God is good.

 

Thank you so much for reading friends!

Pregnancy Update

I realized I haven't written an update on this pregnancy or my condition in a hot minute!

If you read this post, you know about my condition and the risks implicated. So far I haven't had any complications with my body, but when I went to my last checkup, my doctor told me about complications with this baby boy.

At the 20 week ultrasound, you know the one where they check all the organs, size of the head, bones, etc. The doctor found a concern in baby's kidneys. The openings from the kidney to the urinary tract, the funnel shaped part, if you will, was bigger than normal in both kidneys. He sent me to the specialist, which I hate going to, but I'll do anything for this baby.

I went to the specialist and after looking at the baby and measuring the openings, everything looks normal! Yay! I am so relieved.

Here I am at 28 weeks, ready to take the glucose test this week and so ready to meet this baby!

How far along: 28 weeks.

Gender: Boy.

Maternity clothes: Of course! Some of them don't fit me anymore ha!

Sleep: Awful! Nothing is helping anymore. I'm about to jump on the essential oil train!

Best moment this month: Just feeling baby boy karate chop me at all times of the day.

Worst moment this month: Heart burn! Ahhhh! And this awful heat!

Miss anything: I actually do miss a good alcoholic beverage. An ice cold beer sounds REALLY good right now. 

Movement: Tons like a ninja!

Cravings: Watermelon, anything with chili, coffee (yay!), salads, pretty much anything refreshing. Same as it has been.

Queasy or sick: Nope.

Looking forward to: Getting over this heat, getting some rain, and kicking my feet at the end of the day!

A couple of past bump update pics.

26 weeks.

27 weeks and jamming out. :)

Hoping this week goes by fast!

Vegetarian Lasagna

I'll start off by saying that I love carbs. Like really love carbs as much as the next person and I still eat them, but I try to stick to the good ones like whole grains. I have mentioned before that with this pregnancy, I have been trying so hard to eat much healthier than I did with my previous one. I gained so much weight that my doctor asked me to slow down! Plus baby weight isn't fun for anyone. I have also been trying to eat as little meat as possible so finding alternatives it is!

I am sure there are a million recipes out there (Pinterest!) on how to make vegetarian lasagna, but this is how I make it. No measuring and with ingredients and veggies we like.

So simple, although it does take a bit of time to put together, but the end result is so worth it!

You'll need-

Eggplant- 1 and a half
Zucchini- 3
Cottage cheese
Mozzarella- skim, 1 2cup bag
Oregano
Organic marinara sauce- 1 jar

The first step is to roast the veggies a bit with olive oil, salt and pepper. I sliced them really thinly, laid them on a baking sheet and put them in the oven at 400 degrees for about 5-7 minutes or until slightly cooked. I didn't want them browned, just pliable enough. If you've had eggplant before, you know that it takes a while to cook enough for it to be cut with a fork easily, and for it to absorb flavors. If you feel like this step is too much, or too time consuming, you can probably skip it and just bake your lasagna for a little longer! I totally wouldn't make this during the week, I save these types of recipes for the weekend, especially Sundays when I have to make bigger meals for lunch on Mondays. :)

Once you have all of the veggies lightly roasted, spread a thin layer of the sauce on the bottom of a glass baking pan and layer one of the veggies, add more sauce, cottage cheese, mozzarella and a bit of oregano then the other veggie. Continue layering until you're out of veggies!

Bake for about 25-30 minutes at 375 degrees. Cheese will melt, sauce will bubble and the veggies will be deliciously soft and flavorful. It tastes just like lasagna.

This makes about 8 servings. I always make this much because we have it for dinner and lunch the next day.

I hope you try this and enjoy it!

Camping Trip

This past weekend, I took Friday off to take advantage of the three day weekend we had for the 4th of July. I stayed home with Elliot and Jack had to work, but I really didn't want to stay home all weekend. I wanted to take advantage of the days with my family we had ahead.

As soon as Jack got home from work I told him we should do something like going camping, since we have everything needed from Jack's camping days with his friends.

Off we went Saturday morning! It was such a fun adventure. We had never been camping together, therefore, Elliot had never been camping and he had so much fun roughing it up in the wild! :)

On the way there he kept asking where were we going. I explained a million times but I don't think he could grasp the concept yet, pictures and all. I packed him snacks and a couple of surprise toys to keep him occupied but he did so good and never once complained.

We found the perfect little spot to set up our tent and chairs right by the mountain and we swear we heard a bear in the middle of the night, which was terrifying since we were in bear country! It was also really cold at night and Elliot woke up a couple of times saying he wanted to go home, we knew we made the right choice by only staying one night. Easing him into this camping thing slowly! The next day we packed everything up and headed back home. The entire way Elliot kept saying he wanted to go home. I guess he's an old soul most comfortable at home, just like us!

We took him by the lake on our way out so he could see the fish and ducks. I think that was his favorite place and part of the trip. He didn't want to leave and I can't blame him!

Three things to take away if you're planning on camping with your kids-

1. Take an air mattress for your tent. This was life saving! Most importantly, take an electric pump for your mattress and inflate it inside the tent. Getting it inside after was a B. 

2. Count the amount of nights you're staying and double or triple that in outfits for the kids. I took three pants and two shorts plus two jackets and four pairs of socks for Elliot for ONE night. Jack looked at me like I was crazy when I was packing but we ended up using pretty much all his clothes. Lot's of blankets too!

3. Let your kids explore and get dirty. At first I kept telling Elliot "don't go here, don't do that!" till Jack told me I needed to let him be. He was so right! Elliot just wanted to be a kid and he loved it. We let him do just that, hence the use of all his clothes. 

Being six months pregnant wasn't easy, but we made the most of it and had such a nice time. The place is beautiful and so calming and relaxing. We had the most perfect weather for a fire and Smore's. I had never had one before and I wanted to make it a point to try one. They weren't my favorite as they are too sweet for me but they were pretty good!

We then had a small celebration for Independence Day with yummy food on Monday. This couldn't have been a better weekend. 

We are already planning our next trip. I hope you are having a great week!

Hump Day Bumpdate

Yesterday Jack and I went to the doctor for my twenty week visit. This pregnancy has truly been flying by and I cannot believe I am halfway there! Smooth sailing from now on, fingers crossed.

Here's a little update on how everything is going-

How far along: Almost 21 weeks. Eek!

Gender: Still a boy! It's funny because as the ultrasound tech was trying to look at baby boy's parts, he was crossing his legs so hard! I jokingly asked "It's still a boy right?" and after trying for a few more seconds, the tech was able to say that yes, it's still a boy. Jack and I found out we were having a boy at 10 weeks with a blood test, and I asked the tech if those can ever be wrong, and he said they could if done too early. It's definitely a boy. :)

Maternity clothes: ALL THE WAY! This belly is growing a mile a minute. I keep telling my doc that there's twins in there, he can't find the other one. ;)

Sleep: Finally started sleeping better. I pulled out my pregnancy pillow from the closet and it is life changing. If you're expecting and you don't have one, please go get one now. You'll thank me later.

Best moment this month: Yesterday's checkup! There's nothing more reassuring than having this ultrasound to find out baby has all the bones he needs, his brain, kidneys and heart look really good plus listening to his heart beat is literally music to our ears. Also, the doctor told us that I am a good candidate for vaginal birth after my c-section which is both exciting and terrifying. 

Worst moment this month: Everything has been good! 

Miss anything: After being so sick with this pregnancy for the first 19 weeks, I thought being grossed out by the smell of beer or any alcoholic drink would never go away. Now I'm craving a really cold Corona! Ha. Irony.

Movement: Tons! According to the ultrasound tech, baby boy is breech right now. It's not surprising since I feel kicks all day long right on the bottom of my belly. 

Cravings: Watermelon, anything with chili, coffee (yay!), salads, pretty much anything refreshing.

Queasy or sick: Not anymore!! 

Looking forward to: Jack and Elliot feeling the baby kick. I'm dying for Elliot to better understand that there's actually a little person in my belly, just as he was! Right now he knows there's a baby, but blows me off when I tell him the baby is kicking or ask if he wants to see a picture of the baby. He says "He can't see it" while looking at my belly. Ha! 

Couscous & Lentil Salad

On the weekends, the last thing you want to do is spend so much time in the kitchen making a full meal. I do this during the week and usually we eat out on the weekend, but that gets really expensive really quick. Plus who doesn't have the usual argument about where do we go? What do we eat? I don't know you pick, what do you crave? I'm sure you all have been there.

We had leftover couscous and lentil that I made during the week and decided that I would somehow make that a quick and painless full lunch. This dish is usually made with wheat and lentil, but I couldn't find the wheat at the store and haven't made a run to the Middle Eastern store lately.

Here's the original recipe for that, just replace the wheat with couscous as they are cooked the same or you can use wheat!

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You'll need:

Cracked wheat #1 or #2- You can get this at a Middle Eastern store or at any grocery store you'll find boxes to make Tabbouleh, just use the wheat in the box and not the spice packet.

Green lentils
Pepper
Salt
Olive Oil
1 Clove of garlic

You cook the lentils in water with the clove of garlic and a little salt for about 10 minutes or until almost done. In a large deep pan, add a little bit of water and the wheat, add the lentils with a little bit of the lentil water, salt, pepper and a little olive oil. Cover the pan and let it cook for about 10 minutes. Taste it, it should be soft but not mushy. You'll love it! I also make a cucumber, tomato, cilantro salad with lime, salt and plain yogurt. It's the perfect combination! The creaminess of the salad with the wheat. 
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For this salad you'll need:

Cucumber
Tomato
Red onion
Mint
Cilantro
Olive oil
Salt & Pepper

I was craving some sort of hearty salad, so I peeled and sliced a cucumber very thinly, diced a tomato, sliced a red onion and added mint and cilantro along with the juice of a lime, olive oil, salt and pepper. You can even add some Feta cheese and olives! It was so filling and so delicious that it was the perfect lunch. We have been trying to avoid eating meats too much, and this one was perfect for that. Super healthy too!

Let's conquer Monday friends!