C-SECTION RECOVERY & WHY I CHOSE IT AGAIN

I'm pretty sure that if you've had a c-section, you've read all these ridiculous articles about being less of a mom if you had one. I am also pretty sure that it's something we definitely didn't have in mind when having our first baby. It's not really something you choose the first time around. I think that in these articles, other judgmental moms think that we said "Yes! Please cut me open to get my baby out, no biggie" Right? I know I didn't.

I think that this is because we have instilled in our heads as a society that birth entails unmedicated, painful, pushing, sweating mother, husband by her side, legs up in the air birth.

I have written about my birth experience with my oldest son. I had an emergency c-section due to his heart rate dropping with every contraction. It's not something I chose, not what I had in mind, but something I immediately agreed to upon hearing that my baby was in distress. Recovery wasn't easy but I did it.

With my second pregnancy, I was so torn between a VBAC and a second c-section. I truly wanted to experience that other side of birth. The pushing, getting your baby right away for skin to skin, no doctor cutting you in half and being able to be released sooner.

When I asked my doctor if a natural delivery was possible he said I was a good candidate for it, the only downside was that it wouldn't be at my hospital of choice and not with my doctor. If I went into labor, I would have to go in and go with the doctor on call for that day. I was uncomfortable with that. Going to a brand new doctor, in a new hospital to deliver my baby just didn't feel right to me. Also, I could still end up having a c-section and to me, it just didn't make any sense to make that decision.

I ended up scheduling a second c-section. I wrote about that experience in this post. The funny thing is that I delivered two weeks early and I was so glad to have gone with the choice I made. I went to my hospital and was already registered. My doctor was called in right away and the process was pretty smooth.

I will say that recovery with a second c-section was a lot harder for me. I knew exactly what to expect but it was very painful and it took me a very long time to recover. Some key things I did were to not lift ANYTHING heavy, the only thing I was allowed to pick up was my baby. Jack, my mom and sister were so adamant about this and really helpful. I didn't carry the car seat anywhere, I didn't pick Elliot up at all (I felt awful about this) and took it really slow. I gave myself the time to recover though this statement is not entirely true as there's almost no way to do that with two kids, I'll say I did this as much as I could under the circumstances. It was much easier with Elliot since I was able to rest a ton. During this time with Oliver, I was so glad to have an extra four weeks off. My incision would not heal in the middle and it was driving me insane! Finally with the help of Neosporin and saline spray it closed after about 4.5 months. Take care of your incision, always keep it clean and dry! Say YES to help. It might make you feel like you should be doing everything, but you're recovering from surgery. Say yes!! Lie down with your baby and relax! I would throw a movie on or play with Elliot's toys on our bed while holding my baby. The most important, enjoy your tiny baby! Smell them, hold them, kiss them and stare at them all day. They grow out of that stage way too fast.

I am finally at the point where I can do mild workouts which are much needed in my case for energy and weight loss. This second pregnancy and recovery from delivery were the most difficult, but as any mama would say, it was all worth it and would do it all over again!

If anyone tells you that you're less of a mother because you had a c-section and you "didn't do it the natural and real way" do NOT listen to them! You were cut open! Things such as sneezing and coughing felt like lying on a bed of nails and recovering from this while caring for a baby is hard. Walking, lying down, sitting up seem impossible at first and taking a shower? PAINFUL. Your husband isn't able to be there with you when you go through the epidural or spinal tap process to hold you or tell you it's going to be okay through painful contractions. The way you birth your kids should not matter. What matters is how we raise them and how we love them and guide them through life!



If you're going to have a c-section, do not be scared. Yes it's painful and scary but you can do it!! :)

Post-Partum Blues

I'll begin by saying that I didn't bond with my baby the way most mothers do. I didn't feel the instant bond that I felt with Elliot. Maybe it's because this birth was so different. Maybe the fact that Elliot was in the NICU for a week, helped me by giving me the time to adjust, to recover a bit, to think about being a new mom to this tiny thing I had no idea what to do with, or maybe with Elliot I just didn't know what to expect and that helped in a way. With Oliver it was not a blur, I was very much present in his birth. What I mean by this is that I was able to see Oliver right away, to hold him, to hear him cry, to watch him sleep, to change his diapers, to change his clothes, to keep him in my hospital room and you would think that this would actually help me bond but it seems like it did the contrary. I didn't have any time to adjust, to sleep, to recover. If you read this and think, you're crazy, you're probably right. I felt pretty crazy myself. Maybe I was exhausted and in a daze. This c-section was so difficult to recover from, but the hardest part was that I just was not used to this, it was all new to me. I felt like a first time mom all over again and I had no choice, but what mother does right?

We came home, baby in tow, and I thought that it would get better. It had to. I was in the comfort of my home, I had everything I needed, I had everything my baby needed. I was prepared this time, but it wasn't enough.

I felt blue. I felt the darkest shade of blue there is. I didn't know why. I hated feeling that way. I hated the feeling of feeling that way and not being able to change it, if that makes sense. If you know me, you know that I am a happy person. A positive person. This time, I couldn't be any of those. I asked myself why I felt this way. I tried so hard to put on a happy face. I would think, I am blessed to have this beautiful little family of mine, the support of all my family, two beautiful and healthy kids and the most supportive husband, why can't I change the way I feel?

Every morning Jack would ask me what was wrong. My answer was nothing. I would literally sit on the couch with a newborn in my arms staring at the ceiling every morning. A few days, probably a couple of weeks went by until one morning he asked me and I told him the truth. I didn't feel like myself at all. It was as if I was living in someone else's body. I felt sad, mad, then sad again and I had zero control over my feelings. I tried so hard to look at my baby and not feel this way. I thought maybe it had been my pregnancy since I had such a miserable one, but how can that be blamed? I got tired of feeling that way and I looked it up. There it was crystal clear. I read that it is pretty normal for the first few weeks and felt so much better to know that I wasn't alone in it. Other women felt that way too. I read that it's completely normal for some women to not bond with their babies right away, to feel blue. I have Jack to thank for helping me get through it, without his help and support I don't know what I would have done. We talked about my feelings everyday and he was able to tell when I was feeling sad and would tell me to go take a hot shower, go take a nap, go visit my mom, hang out with my sister, whatever he thought helped. I love him for that. I did things that took me to happy places. I also am crazy about Oliver, I love that baby as much as I love Elliot and I am enjoying him so much. I am cherishing every stage of his life and his delicious chunkiness. I couldn't be more in love with my baby. I know that I never did not love him, it was just me feeling blue.

Three months later I am typing this because I was embarrased to admit it before. I am writing it now and sharing it with you because if it helps and makes another mother feel better then it will be worth it. If you feel this way after birth, don't hide it. Let your partner know, a family member, someone. Do things that normally make you happy. You'll get over it, I promise! :)

Thank you for reading!

Oliver's Birth

I think that going into this pregnancy, I knew that this baby would be early. In talks about my condition with my doctor, and the fact that Elliot was a week early, I was mentally prepared to not go full term, or at least to 39 weeks since I had a c-section scheduled.

I was at work on September 28, and it felt like a normal day to me. I had my usual Wednesday meeting then went back to my office, but I did have a couple of contractions and chalked them up to Braxton Hicks, as I had been having them for the past couple of weeks, but not often at all. Maybe one or two a day. In my last doctor's appointment before that day, the doctor had told me that I could get up to nine contractions a day and that they were still normal, as long as the time between them wasn't short.

That Wednesday, I kept getting contractions and worked through them, but something in me told me that I needed to start timing them. I got my phone out and noted down the times between them. First they were ten to thirteen minutes apart, then shorter times about five to eight minutes apart. I texted Jack and my sister about this and my sister quickly told me that I needed to call my doctor and that she would pick me up. I told her I would call my doctor but that I needed to pick Jack up from his work since we carpooled to work. Thank God he works five minutes away from me.

I called my doctor and his assistant told me I needed to head to the hospital right away. What! For what! I was still a little hesitant to go and in disbelief, but I listened anyway instead of waiting until I was in active labor as I did with Elliot. Still kicking myself about that.

I texted Jack at first and told him I needed to head to the hospital and his response were three of those wide-eyed emojis. That was exactly how I felt about that too. Ha! I headed to his work, picked him up and still debated on going home to get my hospital bag. I was totally prepared with that this time and wanted to take it with me! We decided against it and just headed for the hospital instead.

Once we got there, the nurses took me into triage and we waited in the room for a couple of hours while me and the baby were being monitored. Good thing I had eaten a light snack a couple of hours before because I was already starving and I knew that if I were to be admitted, I wouldn't be able to eat for another hundred hours, it felt that way at least. I was then checked for dilation and to my surprise I was a one, but I knew that didn't necessarily mean that the baby was coming that day, but since I was scheduled for a c-section two weeks away, the doctor wouldn't really let me go into labor. I honestly didn't want to go into labor that day. I was hooked to an IV and waited a couple more hours, but the contractions were closer and becoming more and more painful. The nurses changed shifts and a new nurse came in and asked, "Have they told you?" Have they told me what? "You're having a baby today!" Yes, it was the day! A little while after, not long at all, I was two centimeters and that's when it hit me that yes, we would be having a baby that day, two weeks before my scheduled c-section.

My mom was there as soon as she heard that I was going to the hospital and I was so glad that her and Jack were there to be with me. My doctor then came in and told me to be ready because this was the day! Five thirty is when I would be moved to the OR and prepped. Holy eff, I started getting a little nervous. Our entire lives would change again in a matter of hours!

Jack was given the gown to change into to go in with me and I was wheeled to the operating room. This time everything was so different than with Elliot's birth. Everything moved at a slower pace. Everyone seemed to be so relaxed. With Elliot's labor, I was in so much pain that everything was a blur. I don't remember a lot. Everyone was rushing. This time I remember every single thing. How cold the room was, how bright the lights were, me being so nervous about another c-section, another recovery, a painful one. The anesthesiologist explaining exactly what he would be doing to give me a spinal tap, the prick of the needle on my back and how it felt exactly as he described it would. The feeling of my legs going numb right away. I don't remember any of that with Elliot's birth.

Once my legs were numb, the doctor came in and started prepping my belly, I still had some feeling around my belly area, and they tilted my bed backwards towards my head to allow the anesthetic to travel towards my belly. Weirdest feeling ever. Once I was all prepped, Jack was brought in and we started talking about this being it. I felt the same pressure as the last time, but I didn't feel any pain at all. I was so anxious to meet this little baby! In no time, I heard the suction bulb and then a cry. He's here! It took a minute for Oliver to be cleaned and wrapped up before he was given to Jack. Jack took him over to me and I started crying. Tears of joy because our baby was healthy, because I was able to have him so close to me, because of the immense love I felt for this little person I had just met, but had been carrying and caring for this entire nine months. The doctor peeked over the little tent they put up and said congratulations. I was able to muster up a weak "Thank you". Then the craziest thing happened, the doctor told Jack to walk over to where he could see my incision and all my insides and showed him my uterus. He told us that it was way worse than he thought as it is completely split in half and the middle wall was really thick. I didn't know if that was good or bad at that point but he left it at that, stitched me up and I was transferred to recovery then to my room.

At about two in the morning, Oliver was brought to us, thanks nurses, and I won't bore you with all of the fun we had that night. If you have been through this, you know what I'm talking about. I'll leave it at zero sleep, lots of pain, crying baby, party time-not.

The next morning, my doctor came to check on me and that's when he sat down and broke down the news. He said we had been so fortunate to be able to have two healthy babies. My condition, as I said, was way worse than he thought and he didn't know how I had been able to carry two babies to full term. He also advised me to not have any more kids, it's too risky he said, which broke my heart because I think about a third one. Also, as I said in this post, we leave it in the hands of God if we ever decide to have a third baby. To me, He allowed us to have two beautiful, healthy babies, how do we know we won't be able to have a third? If that time every comes, it's something that of course we will discuss with my doctor, but ultimately, the decision would be up to us.

We came home that Friday and became a family of four. We are adjusting to a completely new routine because two kids is a whole new ball game. Elliot is over the moon with his baby brother and already wants to teach him everything he does, all of his favorite toys' names, and he hugs him, kisses him and tells him and us that he loves his baby brother so much every single day. Our hearts couldn't be more full! Life is good. God is good.

 

Thank you so much for reading friends!

Button's Birth.

This is the part that gets a little crazy. Well a lot crazy. His birth story will forever haunt me but amaze me and excite me at the same time every time I talk about it and probably will for the rest of my life. It will be a good story to tell Elliot and his kids (in the hundred years it will take to get there), but trust me, it's a story.

Let me backtrack a little bit to our house hunting days...

I mentioned that I was pregnant when we started looking for a house, we actually started right after we found out I was expecting because our goal was to be completely moved in to a new home before the baby came (ha, very funny). We looked and looked and the months kept going by as I kept getting bigger and bigger. We looked at a lot of houses and liked some but none were a place we could eventually call home. They just didn't work for us, some had beautiful backyards but were tiny on the inside, some were huge on the inside and just what we wanted but the backyards sucked. We wanted it to be just perfect although we knew there was no such thing, but we kept looking anyways. House hunting while pregnant is a freaking challenge. Crazy hot days, a big belly, hunger, walking up and down are sooo not a good combination. Mix them up and you get an unhappy, grumpy, very hungry me. We had originally put in an offer for a beautiful home but lost it to a higher bidder. We were bummed but knew it had happened for a reason. 

One day while looking on the internet (like I'd done a thousand times before only to be disappointed) I saw a house that caught my attention. We went to look at it with our realtor and I knew we had finally found our home the moment I walked in. It was in a beautiful neighborhood, the only problem was that it was a foreclosure and needed TONS of work. When I say tons I really mean tons. New floors, new paint, new fixtures, new faucets, new sink, new everything. BUT, it was a beautiful house, awesome layout, big front and backyard, just what we wanted. So we thought about all the work we would have to put into it and with me carrying a child, there wasn't much I would be able to help with. My husband was very hesitant at first (he listened to everyone who didn't like the house) and really thought about it. For me, it was a project in which I saw enormous amounts of potential, and really, I had the entire house already designed and finished in my head. I convinced him and we took the plunge.

We had started packing as soon as the paperwork began and although we didn't have much (or so we thought!) we were really surprised at how much junk we had accumulated over the course of just two years. You could almost call us hoarders! I mean I have to consider the fact that my baby shower took place during this time and I had a a lot of stuff that we had to take to our apartment. I had diaper boxes almost up to the ceiling plus all our stuff in boxes. Even though I was tired as shit, every day we packed was so exciting to be putting our belongings into boxes that would be soon in a home of our very own. No more rent, no more dealing with annoying neighbors, no more walking up stairs and get winded getting to the door.

Before (see the ugly carpet?) 

 During remodel

Almost there!

Final Product (living & dining room
it still needs work!).

The house being a foreclosure meant that we had to deal with the bank. Now THAT sucked big time. They put us through hell and back but we knew we needed this house so as hard as it was we went along with it. Our patience paid off and we got the house! The real work was just beginning.

The very first thing we did was paint (by "we" I mean Jack and family while I sat and sipped on hot chocolate while watching paint dry), we hated I mean hated the colors the previous owners had. Next were the floors and carpet. It started feeling like a home after these minor changes and Jack started seeing what I had been thinking and planning in my head all along. We hired some people to do some of the bigger stuff but mostly it was my amazing family and my husband that did it all.

Then after about a month it was move-in day! We had the moving truck, I went to the house early since the people we hired still had a few things to finish. I hired a lady to clean the house and recruited friends and family to help Jack load everything from the apartment to the house. Everyone was sooo helpful! They moved everything in only a couple of hours and now we had a garage full of boxes but were ecstatic about finally spending the night in our home...right? Wrong. The next day we still had to go back to the apartment to clean it and turn the keys in. Gosh that day couldn't come fast enough. We picked my sister up so she could help us (I still couldn't do much), got some burritos and headed out. I had been getting contractions that same morning but had read that sometimes women take a couple of days before the "real" contractions begin so I thought I would be ok, but started timing them anyway. They were 20-30 mins apart and I still paid little attention (I had no clue how this whole going-into-labor thing worked!). I was cleaning and going through a contraction, cleaning some more and going through another contraction until I told Jack and my sister that I had had enough and was ready to call it quits so I went to my car to wait for them. The contractions started getting closer together and I still didn't pay much attention to what my body was trying to tell me (duh!!) and kept going. Finally they were all done and we headed back home. Well as soon as I got home I thought "nope, this is really it" and now every time I went through a contraction, the pain was so intense that I started crying. It was time.

I wanted to take a shower before we went to the hospital since I always pictured myself doing my hair and makeup to look nice for the baby (and pictures) and at that point a shower, no makeup and wet hair was more than enough for me. Going through contractions in the shower was hard! Jack would hold my hand through every single one of them telling me everything would be ok, that I would be ok. After my shower, we headed for the hospital, at this point, my contractions were about five minutes apart and the pain was so intense I was crying at each and everyone of them. Jack was literally hauling ass on the freeway and running red lights (something he never does). He was scared for me because I've never been in so much pain. It was out of a movie. Once there, Jack went inside to get me a wheelchair and he was informed that they didn't have any (what???), I had to walk myself up the elevator and down to Labor & Delivery. When we got to the front desk (me being in between contractions) Jack told the nurse I was in labor and she, very patiently, told me I needed to fill out some paperwork. Was she kidding?? Then a contraction came and I leaned on the counter and started bawling while trying to answer her questions. I guess that woke her up and they immediately put me in a room, told me to get into a gown and a swarm of nurses came in, hooked me up to an IV, asked me a million questions, told me sign a million papers, all while I was crying in pain screaming for them to give me something for it, but was told they couldn't until the doctor came in. I had to be hooked up to oxygen since I was going out of control with each contraction (hello? they're painful as shit!!) and Elliot's heart rate would go down every time. I was shaking soo bad that my mom, my sister and of course Jack were so worried about me. I couldn't stop! I just remember being so cold but was later told that the shaking was from the pain! 

Finally my doctor came in (didn't even take him long but for me it was an eternity!) and after taking one look at me and the baby's heart rate, told me I would need to have an emergency c-section because we couldn't risk my baby not getting enough oxygen and his heart rate going down every time. I honestly didn't care, I wanted my baby to be out and healthy. They gave me a shot to extend the time between the contractions just to be able to get me out of there (thank you!!).

I was wheeled to the OR where they prepared me by giving me a spinal tap, prepping Jack with a gown and laying me down on the table with my belly exposed and arms to the sides. The spinal tap kicked in almost immediately and I was in heaven. After this everything was kind of a blur. Me feeling so good and relaxed, Jack talking in my ear (don't remember) the anesthetist asking me questions (don't remember) and the doc asking me if it hurt when he pinched me to which I said yes, they gave me more drugs and asked me again. I said yes again but at that point I must have been so out of it because the doc had already cut me open and I didn't feel a thing. No pressure, no tugging, nothing. My baby was out and not breathing. Thank God I couldn't see anything cause although I was out of it I know I would've freaked out. I know Jack did. Imagine seeing your baby being born and not breathing. Jack tells me Elliot was blue and limp and they had to intubate him right away. While he was in my belly and me having these crazy contractions, I stressed him out so much that he swallowed meconium (his very first poop). My poor baby! The nurses there were soooo great though and so fast. They were wheeling him out straight to the NICU and Jack says I turned to see him and said "aww" then off they went.

They took me to a general recovery room to let my anesthesia wear off and took me to my private room once I felt my legs again. That is the weirdest feeling. You know your legs are there but can't feel a thing. Anyway, once in the room and felt a little better, Jack got a wheelchair and took me to the NICU to see Elliot. It's crazy to think that to see my baby I had to scrub up and wear a gown to be able to go in. When I saw him it was love at first sight. I thought "wow, this tiny thing came from inside of me, how is that possible?!" I just loved him sooo much! It was an overwhelming feeling for Jack and I. Seeing him hooked up to machines and tubes everywhere was scary but the nurses there reassured us that he was completely fine. And he was.

He weighed 5lb 7oz and was tiny but so beautiful and perfect. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. I wanted to hold him and kiss him and tell him he was ok, but I couldn't and that was so heartbreaking, but I knew he would be fine. I spent three days in the hospital and was dismissed and as much as I wanted to take my baby with me he couldn't go home yet. He stayed for a week and I felt so empty at home. No belly and no baby. We went to pick him up that Friday only to be told that they had to keep him an extra day for observation. We went back the next day and after about an hour we were able to bring him home!! I had an outfit planned for him and that went out the window that day. All I wanted was to hold my baby and have him with me.  I truly and honestly could not have done this without Jack by my side. He is the most amazing man and husband and was so sweet and calming the entire time even if he was just as scared as I was. He remained strong for the both of us and I love him so much for that!

I'm aaaall good now mama!

Having him home was scary but the most rewarding feeling in the world! He was all ours.