Back to Work Reality

I think that for me, the hardest part of being a mom is having to leave my kids at daycare everyday. I keep saying this, I know, but it's true. Even on the day that I was at the hospital ready to have Oliver, the thing that came to mind was, I have four months off then I have to go back to work. It's not enough time.

I actually knew I would feel this way, and the feeling kind of went away as I spent time with my kids. Some days though, it was overwhelming and I found myself in tears while nursing Oliver, or watching my kids sleep, getting up in the morning to make breakfast for Elliot. I felt this way because I knew that once back at work, these things would be harder to do, but then I knew I would be okay because I would learn to cherish those moments even more.

While I was out on FMLA, I wanted to make sure that I stayed in touch with people at work, I felt that this would make for an easier transition as this happened before with Elliot. I didn't stay in contact with anyone and when I was abruptly sent back into the working world, I came crashing down. This time I would prepare myself and visited work two or three times and called frequently just to make sure that everything was okay while I was out. I know I didn't have to really do this, it was unnecessary (work wise) but very necessary for me.

As the weeks went by, and you know how fast that goes, I kept feeling more and more overwhelmed and up to the two weeks before my FMLA ended, I cried everyday. I cried the two weeks after returning to work. It has been a really hard transition and you would think that this being my second time going through this would make things easier but it was almost worse. All those feelings of guilt that I fought so hard not to feel with Elliot came rushing back as if they were inside of me just waiting for the perfect moment, as I knew exactly what they were.

I'm three weeks in and that although I feel better, I'm still so overwhelmed. I came back to so many changes at work, other family matters, the dynamic at home has drastically changed (of course) and I knew it would, but I feel that I'm always trying to catch up and I can't. It's always like a scene from Home Alone, you know, when they sleep in and have to get ready before the plane leaves. Shower, get ready, make breakfast for Jack and I, get diaper bag, pump, coffees, bottles, wake kids up, get Oliver ready, get Elliot ready, Elliot is hungry, make pancakes, do Elliot's hair, he doesn't want his hair done, run after him to run wet hands over hair so that he doesn't leave looking like Beetlejuice, get out the door later than you should have, practically drive by daycare and drop them off while your foot is on the gas pedal, you get the drill. Rinse, repeat the next day. And the next. And the next. The weekend comes and it's all about trying to catch up on house work, laundry, errands, all while trying to get quality time in with our kids. Whew, it's exhausting, and so overwhelming. Anxiety kicks in. I'm sure a routine will kick in, and Jack and I do get a good laugh out of it sometimes when we are carpooling to work.

At this point, you're probably thinking that I'm whining, bitching, whatever you want to call it. I assure you I am not. It's my life now. I know that you're going to say, you CHOSE this. Yes, I did. I can promise you I wouldn't change it for the world, I'm just being real and giving you a glimpse of that reality. Also, because I won't lie, it feels so good to leave these words right here. Where one day I'll come back and read and think what the hell was I thinking? Things weren't as bad as I thought they were! Maybe even laugh. Trust me I get it, my kids are healthy and happy and I'm so lucky to be their mama, I have an amazing husband, a wonderful and supportive family (I really have no clue what I would do without them) why am I writing this then? I know I'm not the only one feeling this way. It feels good to know that, but then it doesn't. I hate that fact that there are other moms feeling this way, but I know that reading other's stories helps. I know it helps me. This is my struggle as a working mom being away from my kids eight or nine hours a day, but a struggle that I wouldn't change. I am providing for my family the best I can, I am teaching my kids that independence is so important, and I have a job that allows me to do all of that, that also makes me make the hours at work count.

My coping mechanisms are to think about those things and also to talk about my feelings. If I'm overwhelmed I don't hide it, one because I can't (every emotion shows on my face), and two because I know it's not healthy. I know these feelings will probably never go away but learning to deal with them is important. I didn't write this to make you feel sorry for me, to pity me. It's my struggle and I want to share my story. Not nearly as bad as what others go through but to me, it's still valid. We go through different things at different levels, and no matter what, they're all valid. Life is so good and beautiful and we can do this mamas!

How do you deal?

Working Mama + Toddler In Daycare

You know that dreaded daycare phone call you get when you're at work, the one you don't want to get, you don't expect, and when you see it, your heart starts racing and a million things go through your head? Yes, it's happened to me more than once. More than I ever want to experience.

Now with another baby on the way, being a full time working mama seems harder and harder to grasp everyday. I hate those calls. Jack says hate is a strong word, but I do, I hate them.

When I hear my phone vibrate on top of my desk, the worst always comes to mind. My son is hurt. Something happened to him. What is it? Did he fall? Or maybe he has a fever? He threw up? Those actually aren't as bad as the ones I've received where the teacher on the other end of the line sounds nervous, and you immediately know something is wrong. Shit, what happened?

I was actually on my way to lunch not too long ago when I got one of the dreaded phone calls. I answered nervously and as soon as I heard his teacher I knew something was wrong. The first thing she said was, "Elliot is okay" my heart started pounding in my chest. He had been jumping on his little cot where he takes his naps and landed right on the corner of it head first. Ugh. He's bleeding, she said, but she put an ice pack on it for the swelling. Swelling? Shit. I call my sister and of course, like in every other situation, she drops everything and goes to pick him up. Thank God I have her. She sends me a picture and it looks pretty bad, a bump with a cut the size of a golf ball, but he looks happy to be with her and my heart and body relax. I don't have to leave work this time.

I go pick him up from my sister's and hug him and kiss him while he tells me all about his accident. He tells me he has a "coco" (slang word in Spanish for a bruise or cut) a million times and I hug him and kiss him a million times.

This isn't what I want to talk about though. I want to talk about the life of a toddler in daycare and in turn, my life as a working mom.

I know I have mentioned time and time again (probably too many times) that being a working mama is hard. For me personally, the hardest part of my day is when I drop Elliot off in the morning. I try to sound so excited that he's going to "school" and how he's going to have a great day and learn so much while playing with his friends. Inside, I'm hurting thinking to myself, I don't want to go to work, I want to stay with my son!

It has taken me a while to come to terms (not entirely) with the fact that me staying home is just not feasible right now. I'm okay with that. Most of the time. I still have my days where I wish I could, but here is where I start to think about all of the pros that have come from having Elliot in daycare.

He has developed so much as a little boy that he leaves our mouths wide open with that he says and does. He has learned so much! Aside from social skills, he's in a Toddler School Program where they go through a book with the teacher and they learn about everything. ABC's, numbers, counting, colors, shapes, animals, you name it. He loves doing homework! Huge plus. We will be driving down the street and he will start counting school buses, or trees or birds and I am so thankful for that. It makes me feel at peace with the fact that I am away from him for eight to nine hours a day.

He also has a strict schedule, he eats and sleeps at the same time everyday. The biggest pro for me is that he loves his teachers and his teachers genuinely love him. I see that when I drop him off and pick him up. He also loves his little friends and waves bye to all of them when we leave. He listens more and understands what he needs to do when something is asked from him.

I also love that my job is flexible enough where I can leave if I have to and I am so so grateful for that. I have spoken to my boss about how I absolutely love my job, but my family will always come first no matter what, especially with me being one of the only women with small kids in the company. He understands.

What does need to catch up with the times is paid FMLA. We are one of the only countries where we only get twelve weeks and they can be paid or unpaid depending on your employer. In my case, they are unpaid and I have to try to save as much vacation and sick time as I can for my maternity leave. That really irks me. Canada gives mothers a year. A year! Germany gives them THREE years! We are so behind when it comes to quality of family and life. That makes me sad and angry! Hopefully this changes soon! Before this baby is born if possible. ;)

For now, I make the best out of my situation and always try to look on the positive side of things. I also know those calls from daycare are inevitable and "cocos" would happen at home as well. No, I'm not with Elliot as much as I want to be, but when I am, I spend quality time with him and I know he appreciates that. I also tell him that mama has to go to work because daddy and I want to be able to afford what he needs. I'm sure he doesn't understand that quite yet, but he does know that in the mornings he has to go to school because mama has to work, but "you will pick me up right mama?" Of course my baby, mama will always be there to pick you up!

Have a great Friday friends!