WHY I'M A WORKING MOM

About four years ago, when I was pregnant with Elliot, another manager in my company approached me and asked me if I planned to stay home after giving birth. I said no, I needed to work for myself and because I actually had to as my husband and I needed the income.

After having Elliot, the same manager, came to my office and told me "why don't you quit and stay home with your baby? You should be home with him" Honestly, I really did want to. I was a new mom and I wanted to be home with my baby, but it wasn't something we could do. We struggled in the beginning of our marriage, we both had low paying jobs and could barely afford rent for a 500 sq ft apartment. Once we both found our careers, it's something we wanted and needed to keep going to be able to purchase a home and have a stable source of income from both sides.

Anyway, fast forward to my maternity leave with Oliver. I really, really prayed and wished I could stay home. This time it hit me really hard! Why couldn't I? We could make it work right? Four months at home with two kids taught me that in order for ME, (MYSELF, I am not speaking for anyone else here) to have a balanced life, a happy life, I need to work. I never thought these words would come out of my mouth! Of course there are days when I would LOVE to be home with them to make them breakfast, play with them, care for them and I'm sure I'm going to always have those days because I always miss them like crazy, but working makes me feel so good. It might sound selfish but think about it this way, working makes me happy, which in return, makes my kids happy because their mom is happy. Does that make sense? I'm not sure if I'm cut out to be a stay at home mom because that job is freaking hard. The HARDEST. My hat is off to you ladies who are stay at home moms.

Of course there's that other little thing about having to work called bills, mortgage, car payment that matters too. I'm not one of those moms who could make it work. My husband and I have talked about it, put numbers on paper, and right now is just not feasible for us and I'm okay with that. This probably plays a big part in why this is my mentality and the way I feel, but if and when finances allowed, I would still give this whole SAHM good and long thought.

The other day I read a post (from a working mom) (!!!) that she didn't want to pay daycare to raise her kids anymore. Say what?! I cannot believe that in this day and age, moms still think that, about themselves nonetheless! I certainly do not think that daycare is raising my kids at all. We teach them morals, values, and give them guidance and love at home.

As women, we are allowed to have careers and we are still fully capable of raising kids that are smart, strong and have good morals. It's a matter of balancing career and home life, and being able to spend quality time by making time for the things that matter. The dishes can wait till the end of the day so we can play with our kids. Laundry can take one more tumble in order for us to read our kids a book at bed time (let's be real it stays there overnight most of the time). Weekend chores can wait till next weekend to be able to catch a Sunday baseball game or a zoo trip. Elliot is more than happy when I sit down on the floor with him and play cars, "mens" as he calls playing with little superhero figures, his Peppa Pig house or help him make a Lego castle out of the tiniest Lego's in all of the land while Oliver plays on his play mat or he's on my lap while Elliot shows him his toys. I still completely suck at it sometimes and lose my shit, but my kids are happy and healthy (and alive!!). This mom and parent thing is hard no matter what you do and how you do it, but it is the best in the world! We do talk about me staying home with the kids one day, but we will see what the future has in place for us!

Back to Work Reality

I think that for me, the hardest part of being a mom is having to leave my kids at daycare everyday. I keep saying this, I know, but it's true. Even on the day that I was at the hospital ready to have Oliver, the thing that came to mind was, I have four months off then I have to go back to work. It's not enough time.

I actually knew I would feel this way, and the feeling kind of went away as I spent time with my kids. Some days though, it was overwhelming and I found myself in tears while nursing Oliver, or watching my kids sleep, getting up in the morning to make breakfast for Elliot. I felt this way because I knew that once back at work, these things would be harder to do, but then I knew I would be okay because I would learn to cherish those moments even more.

While I was out on FMLA, I wanted to make sure that I stayed in touch with people at work, I felt that this would make for an easier transition as this happened before with Elliot. I didn't stay in contact with anyone and when I was abruptly sent back into the working world, I came crashing down. This time I would prepare myself and visited work two or three times and called frequently just to make sure that everything was okay while I was out. I know I didn't have to really do this, it was unnecessary (work wise) but very necessary for me.

As the weeks went by, and you know how fast that goes, I kept feeling more and more overwhelmed and up to the two weeks before my FMLA ended, I cried everyday. I cried the two weeks after returning to work. It has been a really hard transition and you would think that this being my second time going through this would make things easier but it was almost worse. All those feelings of guilt that I fought so hard not to feel with Elliot came rushing back as if they were inside of me just waiting for the perfect moment, as I knew exactly what they were.

I'm three weeks in and that although I feel better, I'm still so overwhelmed. I came back to so many changes at work, other family matters, the dynamic at home has drastically changed (of course) and I knew it would, but I feel that I'm always trying to catch up and I can't. It's always like a scene from Home Alone, you know, when they sleep in and have to get ready before the plane leaves. Shower, get ready, make breakfast for Jack and I, get diaper bag, pump, coffees, bottles, wake kids up, get Oliver ready, get Elliot ready, Elliot is hungry, make pancakes, do Elliot's hair, he doesn't want his hair done, run after him to run wet hands over hair so that he doesn't leave looking like Beetlejuice, get out the door later than you should have, practically drive by daycare and drop them off while your foot is on the gas pedal, you get the drill. Rinse, repeat the next day. And the next. And the next. The weekend comes and it's all about trying to catch up on house work, laundry, errands, all while trying to get quality time in with our kids. Whew, it's exhausting, and so overwhelming. Anxiety kicks in. I'm sure a routine will kick in, and Jack and I do get a good laugh out of it sometimes when we are carpooling to work.

At this point, you're probably thinking that I'm whining, bitching, whatever you want to call it. I assure you I am not. It's my life now. I know that you're going to say, you CHOSE this. Yes, I did. I can promise you I wouldn't change it for the world, I'm just being real and giving you a glimpse of that reality. Also, because I won't lie, it feels so good to leave these words right here. Where one day I'll come back and read and think what the hell was I thinking? Things weren't as bad as I thought they were! Maybe even laugh. Trust me I get it, my kids are healthy and happy and I'm so lucky to be their mama, I have an amazing husband, a wonderful and supportive family (I really have no clue what I would do without them) why am I writing this then? I know I'm not the only one feeling this way. It feels good to know that, but then it doesn't. I hate that fact that there are other moms feeling this way, but I know that reading other's stories helps. I know it helps me. This is my struggle as a working mom being away from my kids eight or nine hours a day, but a struggle that I wouldn't change. I am providing for my family the best I can, I am teaching my kids that independence is so important, and I have a job that allows me to do all of that, that also makes me make the hours at work count.

My coping mechanisms are to think about those things and also to talk about my feelings. If I'm overwhelmed I don't hide it, one because I can't (every emotion shows on my face), and two because I know it's not healthy. I know these feelings will probably never go away but learning to deal with them is important. I didn't write this to make you feel sorry for me, to pity me. It's my struggle and I want to share my story. Not nearly as bad as what others go through but to me, it's still valid. We go through different things at different levels, and no matter what, they're all valid. Life is so good and beautiful and we can do this mamas!

How do you deal?

Success vs Guilt.

Lately, actually who am I kidding, ever since I had Elliot, I am constantly wondering if I am enough. Enough in every sense of the word. Am I enough at work? Am I a good enough wife? A good enough mother? I was reading this post by The Girl In The Red Shoes and I can completely relate to a lot of the things she wrote although my kind of enough has more to do with my job and family than myself. I stopped thinking about myself a long time ago and I know that's a very bad thing but juggling everything in life right now made me that way. I feel like I have to be perfect at everything I do and I'm driving myself nuts over it! I need to slow down and literally smell the roses every now and then.

A midst all of the great things happening in my career (I got a raise!) and all the great things about my company, I often ask myself if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Can I do more? I know I can. I ask myself because my mind is always going a mile a minute at work wondering if Elliot is okay, if Jack thinks I'm a good wife and mom, if I'm keeping our home clean, cooking meals, all those things cloud my mind and when I need to dive into some critical thinking to see how my department can improve, it gets really tough. I want to do so much to improve at work and sometimes I have zero energy because I'm stricken with the most horrible guilt. Why is my son being cared for by a stranger? He should be with his mom! But I love my job, and  most importantly, the reality of things is that we cannot afford to have one income right now. And I'm okay with that.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love what I do but now that I'm getting to where I want to be, the guilt has doubled. I was telling Jack that I feel as if I shouldn't be successful in my job because how can I be so happy at work when Elliot is at daycare? It's a daily struggle that I'm getting a little better at everyday. I think if I had a shitty job then I would be really miserable!

Then there's Elliot. Is he happy at daycare? Is he eating the healthy meals that I'm feeding him at home and have tried so hard to instill in him? Does he resent me because I work? Am I being enough of a mom to him the few hours I get to spend with him after work? I try to cherish these few hours as much as I can and the weekends are sacred to me. Then I scold him for throwing the recyclables we have in the recycle bin into the regular trash, or for throwing his food on the floor and I feel this immense guilt over it. I feel like I shouldn't be scolding him because he will see me as just that. The mom that doesn't get to spend enough time with him and when she does, she scolds him. I also try to teach him as much as I can when I am at home with him and I swear sometimes he looks at me like really? Let me play! Ha!

Then of course there's Jack. With everything else on my mind, how do I take care of him? Does he think I'm a shitty wife because I already have a million things on my mind? Thank God he's so good to me! He helps me with laundry, dishes and cleaning and makes sure our bed is always made and toilet paper is hung. :) We try to go out on dates every now and then to keep the sparkle going. You know how they say your marriage is always first and your kids second? I completely believe that. How can I be a good mom if I'm a bad wife? Jack is my partner and together we need to strong to be able to raise good kids! This is hard sometimes when you lose yourself in everything else. We try to read at night in bed together but sometimes I'm asleep by the time he comes to bed, or we take the time to read and talk about our days and before we know it it's late and if we don't go to bed in the next two seconds, we will regret it the next day. We need to work on more alone time! It's tough! So a little getaway is in the works. ;)

Finding a balance is so important. I'm still working on that. I do know that right now I'm doing the very best I can and will continue to do that! Heck, maybe I can even throw a little bit of myself into the mix (a pedi doesn't sound so bad). Besides, my family is healthy and happy and I am healthy and happy and they make me the happiest. That's enough for me.

Happy Thursday!