The Day Has Come...

Well, it finally came. The dreaded day I had not been looking forward to ever since I was pregnant. I always thought I would breast feed (and by breast feeding I mean pumping) until Button was 6 years old (kidding!), but honestly at least till he was 6 months old. That was not the case (insert crying face here).

Oh well, I guess things just can't be perfect. I noticed I started producing less milk when I got back to work on Elliot's third month and started doing whatever it took to prolong my supply as much as I could. I drink literally more than the two liters of water we need a day, eat a shit load of peanut butter and oatmeal and have a good and rich diet (or so I thought?). My mom did tell me though that sometimes this happens when a nursing mom goes back to the hectic world of working. I still pumped twice at work and once or twice after work every single day and the first two weeks I got enough for the next day feedings, but slowly it began to decrease. Ha, our bodies work in mysterious ways.

Although I HATE pumping (or hated rather) I would have been more than happy to continue doing it for the sake of Elliot but Tuesday I can officially say was my last day. I tried hard to continue until his fourth month which is this next Monday, but couldn't lie and make myself believe I would make it. I couldn't. I tried. I swear I did. As I said, I HATED pumping but as a mom (as I mentioned in my Mother's Day post) you sacrifice a lot for your kids, now I really know and believe that, and would do anything to have been able to keep providing my child with my breast milk for as long as I could. Let me tell you what happened with this whole pumping deal.

When I had Elliot, he spent a week in the NICU (story I briefly told you about but will write about later) for breathing problems. For the first day he couldn't eat anything because they had to wait until he stabilized and they could take his breathing tube out. I began pumping that day and got nothing...the second day, drops. It was the beginning. 

Then, when Elliot was able to eat, I miraculously (or maybe not, that Man up there knows what he's doing) produced a tiny little bit of colostrum and was able to take it to the NICU so they could mix it with his formula to feed it to him. I was beyond happy. At least I knew that my milk was coming and Elliot would get all the nutrients he needed from me.

I wasn't kidding when I said drops.

I continued pumping at the hospital that day and produced a little more (anything helps!) and was able to actually take it and feed him myself for the very first time! Something all moms take for granted on the first or second day, by breast, might I add, and I was excited to be able to feed him a bottle, holding his head up while he still lay in his little incubator. I couldn't hold him since he was still attached to all these monitors on his little chest and could bleed if I held him wrong and one of them came out. Scary! 

On my last day at the hospital I was able to go in for one of the feedings and actually got to hold him for the first time in a few days. He was so tiny and fragile I was a little scared but thought hey, I said, I'm his mom I can do this! I fed him again (out of a bottle) and he ate like a champ. I knew this kid would be like his daddy, they eat and eat all day long.

 Daddy got to hold him too!

So, armed with confidence, I was released from the hospital and went home and pumped with a manual Medela pump that I was given at the hospital. It was awesome! I pumped and pumped and was able to send lots of breast milk to my little baby at the hospital. On the day we were supposed to bring him home (he ended up staying an extra day) we went to see him and a lactation consultant asked me if I had been allowed to breast feed him. I said no and she immediately went to get our baby and took me into a room. She said she was really upset with the nurses for not asking me or allowing me to do so because she said it was essential that he latched on right away otherwise he wouldn't take to my breast anymore.

Thinking about it now, I should have also been more aggressive and asked to see my baby to breast feed. She brought Elliot and I tried for the very first time. He latched on with the help of a bottle nipple since my breasts were so full and even though he wasn't on my actual breast I loved every minute of it. This lady was there for a reason that night and I am so grateful I was able to talk to her about it! I tried this for a couple of days and finally was able to put him directly on my breast and he latched on right away. I can honestly say this is the best feeling ever. It created an unimaginable bond between mama and baby like no other. I loved looking into his little eyes and have him staring back at me as if he knew he was getting the best from mama. Gosh I already miss that.

Button being the boy that he is was hungry all the time and it was tough (as shit) waking up at all hours of the night to feed him and sometimes it hurt like hell, but I knew I just had to do it. At about 2 months old I noticed that he was still very hungry all the time and I started to worry. What if he isn't getting enough milk? What if I'm not producing enough? Well I went and got me an electric pump because there was no way in hell I was going to keep pumping with the manual one. It works great, but it's too much work especially when I had to keep up with my little hungry boy. I did some research and got the Medela In Style Advanced Breast Pump and it is freaking awesome, money well spent. I was pumping milk in record time! I could see exactly how much Elliot was eating each and every time and that gave me peace of mind. After only a couple of weeks though when I tried breast feeding, I noticed he would eat less and less from my breast and that killed me! He got used to the bottle so quick that he didn't want me anymore!! What the hell!! I wanted to keep that bond going so bad, but I knew that it just wasn't going to happen anymore (at least I got the two months). I still kept trying and no dice...so I just gave it up and thought at least the transition would be easier once I went back to work. I started exclusively pumping from here on out.

Another tough decision we had to make was to start supplementing with formula. I hated the idea, but knew it was the best I could do for my baby. He just wasn't getting full enough. We went with Similac Sensitive because that's what he was given at the hospital and he obviously took it well so why fix something when it's not broken? We prefer the ready-to-go bottles since it is so much easier to take an unopened one when we are out and about and it's just more convenient for us. The bottle also fits perfectly with the Medela bottle nipple so it's so easy to just warm that up and throw the nipple on it. Now that I will be feeding him formula only we might try the powder of the same kind cause it can get expensive. Also, NEVER EVER heat up formula or breast milk in the microwave. It kills EVERY single nutrient in there. Worst thing you can do. We heat up water in the microwave or get it from our dispenser (for late night feedings) and put the bottles in there for a couple of minutes (until warm). I don't know how many times we have been out and there I am asking people for hot water in a cup to warm milk up, restaurants, Starbucks, even at the tax place and they're usually pretty cool about it.  Don't hesitate to ask!

I've come to terms with the whole formula deal and I'm on my second day of not pumping. I know all this will get easier and I will stop feeling guilty for not giving him my milk (there's nothing I can do! Anymore) and feeding him formula.

What I can say from what I've learned from my experience, is that you have to do whatever works best for you and your baby. As the parents, you and your partner make decisions that might not be what everyone else thinks of as "right" but if it works for you and your baby then do it. Nobody knows what's best for you but you. Whatever you're comfortable with is good and you learn along the way. As new parents sometimes we tend to ask for advice from everyone and although that can be good, it's ultimately up to you. As long as your baby is happy and healthy that is all that matters.

And this baby sure is happy and healthy!

I can go throw my pump away now. Not! I'll pack it nicely and put it away for the next baby.