Thursday, August 7, 2014

Success vs Guilt.

Lately, actually who am I kidding, ever since I had Elliot, I am constantly wondering if I am enough. Enough in every sense of the word. Am I enough at work? Am I a good enough wife? A good enough mother? I was reading this post by The Girl In The Red Shoes and I can completely relate to a lot of the things she wrote although my kind of enough has more to do with my job and family than myself. I stopped thinking about myself a long time ago and I know that's a very bad thing but juggling everything in life right now made me that way. I feel like I have to be perfect at everything I do and I'm driving myself nuts over it! I need to slow down and literally smell the roses every now and then.

A midst all of the great things happening in my career (I got a raise!) and all the great things about my company, I often ask myself if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Can I do more? I know I can. I ask myself because my mind is always going a mile a minute at work wondering if Elliot is okay, if Jack thinks I'm a good wife and mom, if I'm keeping our home clean, cooking meals, all those things cloud my mind and when I need to dive into some critical thinking to see how my department can improve, it gets really tough. I want to do so much to improve at work and sometimes I have zero energy because I'm stricken with the most horrible guilt. Why is my son being cared for by a stranger? He should be with his mom! But I love my job, and  most importantly, the reality of things is that we cannot afford to have one income right now. And I'm okay with that.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love what I do but now that I'm getting to where I want to be, the guilt has doubled. I was telling Jack that I feel as if I shouldn't be successful in my job because how can I be so happy at work when Elliot is at daycare? It's a daily struggle that I'm getting a little better at everyday. I think if I had a shitty job then I would be really miserable!

Then there's Elliot. Is he happy at daycare? Is he eating the healthy meals that I'm feeding him at home and have tried so hard to instill in him? Does he resent me because I work? Am I being enough of a mom to him the few hours I get to spend with him after work? I try to cherish these few hours as much as I can and the weekends are sacred to me. Then I scold him for throwing the recyclables we have in the recycle bin into the regular trash, or for throwing his food on the floor and I feel this immense guilt over it. I feel like I shouldn't be scolding him because he will see me as just that. The mom that doesn't get to spend enough time with him and when she does, she scolds him. I also try to teach him as much as I can when I am at home with him and I swear sometimes he looks at me like really? Let me play! Ha!

Then of course there's Jack. With everything else on my mind, how do I take care of him? Does he think I'm a shitty wife because I already have a million things on my mind? Thank God he's so good to me! He helps me with laundry, dishes and cleaning and makes sure our bed is always made and toilet paper is hung. :) We try to go out on dates every now and then to keep the sparkle going. You know how they say your marriage is always first and your kids second? I completely believe that. How can I be a good mom if I'm a bad wife? Jack is my partner and together we need to strong to be able to raise good kids! This is hard sometimes when you lose yourself in everything else. We try to read at night in bed together but sometimes I'm asleep by the time he comes to bed, or we take the time to read and talk about our days and before we know it it's late and if we don't go to bed in the next two seconds, we will regret it the next day. We need to work on more alone time! It's tough! So a little getaway is in the works. ;)

Finding a balance is so important. I'm still working on that. I do know that right now I'm doing the very best I can and will continue to do that! Heck, maybe I can even throw a little bit of myself into the mix (a pedi doesn't sound so bad). Besides, my family is healthy and happy and I am healthy and happy and they make me the happiest. That's enough for me.



Happy Thursday!

4 comments:

  1. I think as a mom these feelings & thoughts are common. I've felt the same way at times. You're doing great mama!

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  2. You're doing a great job mama! The fact that you are so conscious of your guilt and making sure you're doing a good job just goes to show how hard you are trying!!! You're doing an amazing job!

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  3. You are such an amazing mom and wife!! I think we are always trying to find the perfect balance with work, marriage, being a mom, "me" time, etc. I have come to the conclusion that I don't think I'll ever get it right, but as long as I'm doing my best that's what matters!

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  4. It is so hard finding a balance. In any situation too. It's just tough, and I think if we are aware of that and still try our best...that is good enough. That is what counts. Sometimes I feel like all I do is scold Aria for something, because man when is she not getting into trouble. When I feel like that I try to have a dance party or do something silly or fly her around the room. You've gotta have some rules and enforce them but you can also be super silly too! It seems like you are totally nailing it though.

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Thank you for your sweet comments! :)

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