Lately.

Maybe it's the fact that this was Father's Day month, I don't really know, but lately, every time I hear a song or watch a show that reminds me of my childhood I think about my dad, the house we lived in and growing up. It's gotten me in a funky mood and I can't quite shake the feeling of missing him everyday. Every time I see an episode of Tom & Jerry or The Three Stooges or even a commercial on them, it takes me right back to a Sunday morning watching those shows with him in our living room, still in pajamas. He loved those shows. The story is on this post.

I look back and I think to myself how I should have spent more time with him, talked to him more, done more with him, but then if I keep thinking that way I'm going to drive myself crazy. Besides, he left us, not the other way around. I don't even know if I will ever see him again, being that he's halfway around the world and that makes me yearn for him even more.

Regardless, I still think about how crazy he would go over Elliot and how Elliot would love him so much. Because my dad was so great with kids. My niece was really attached to him and would cry and ask for him all the time for a few months after he left. That was hard. Once she was a little older to understand my sister finally told her. Still to this day, she talks about it and says that grandpa isn't here because he made grandma sad. Breaks my heart.

On my birthday, I got a call from him, oddly enough, right before Jack and I took off on our mini trip. I was in the car with Elliot while Jack ran inside the house to get something we forgot. When he got back, I told him my dad had called and left a voice mail, but I didn't/couldn't listen to it until a few days later after we got back. He asked about Jack and Elliot (although he doesn't know Elliot's name and referred to him as my son, another heart breaker) and begged me to please call him back. I didn't. I couldn't.

Sometimes I think about how I'm older, and how I should be able to deal with these feelings and situation better than if he had left when I was little. I can't. For me, it's almost worse. I was really, really close to my dad. When all of this happened, for a few months I refused to call him dad and referred to him as "that man" but now I realize that he will always be my dad, he just did something really wrong and it's really hard for me to forgive but that doesn't and will never mean he's not my dad. Maybe I'm being harsh and stubborn but what gets me is that to this day he doesn't think he did anything wrong. I know that people get divorced all the time and life goes on, but he left without telling us anything about wanting one. He never mentioned never coming back. I thought, we all thought he was happy. I will never understand that.

I look at my own family and I feel better. Elliot is the best little stress, sadness, anger reliever. He makes me laugh and when I make him laugh, his laughter is the best. It is contagious. Don't all of our kids do that? Except for the times they make us want to pull our hair out. :)

I needed to get this off my chest. Thank you so much for reading. :)